Babyproofing Vocabulary

Does any of the following sound familiar? Babyproofing Your Marriage offers simple, yet effective solutions to all these common problems and more:

Bait and Switch
A tactic employed to ‘get the girl or guy’ in which a certain behavior is displayed and then discontinued once the objective (e.g. marriage) has been achieved. Both men and women feel like their other halves pull a Bait and Switch once they have kids. Men complain that their wives pull one in the bedroom (Why doesn’t she ever want to have sex?); whereas women feel that their husbands pull a Reverse Bait and Switch in the romance department (Now all I get is a tap on the shoulder…) and/or a Domestic Bait and Switch on the home front. (He used to make dinner all the time…)

Cut the Cord
What Mummy’s Boys and Daddy’s Girls should do after they become parents. Failure to cut the cord can lead to Turf Infringement, a distraught spouse or, in cases of extreme attachment, divorce papers.

Did-Enough Dads
These are the dads who do just enough to get by. Domestic Shortcuts (skipping baths and teeth brushing) are Standard Operating Procedure, and they make liberal use of Convenience Cards (TV, McDonald’s, Call Granny).

It’s Never Enough!
The collective howl of protest from hardworking dads across the land, who say that no matter what they do, at home and at work, it is never enough, and certainly never good enough, to satisfy their wives.

Marriage Capital
Scorekeeping points that are traded back and forth between husbands and wives. Usually wives determine how much capital, if any, to award for a specific activity. (For example, emptying the dishwasher counts but changing the car oil doesn’t) The capital can be positive (he got up with the kids on Tuesday) or negative (he forgot to pick up milk) Positive capital has a use by date. Negative capital can be used against the holder, indefinitely.

Marriage on Autopilot
This is the most common marital state for couples parenting small kids; we’re not quite asleep at the controls, but no one is actively flying the plane. The “deep and meaningfuls” are gradually replaced by daily repetition and routine.

Martyr Badge
A self-awarded insignia of suffering (I’ve been up since 6:00 am. Yeah, well I got up with the baby last night.) worn by both men and women in the post-baby battle over the division of labour. A Perma-Scowl often accompanies the Martyr Badge to complete the look.

Midnight Chicken
Also known as Who Will Blink First? In this battle of the wills, each parent’s objective is to make the other think that they are sound asleep and cannot hear the screaming down the hall. Victory is achieved when one parent (a.k.a. the sucker) gets up and goes to the baby. Experienced contenders play a mean game of Advanced Midnight Chicken, nudging their spouses and whispering, “You’re up, I got her last time,” when, in fact, there was no last time.

Perfect V-Formation
How groups of men arrange themselves when they sense an opportunity to escape the home front. Their organization is seamless, like geese flying south for the winter. They can mobilize at a moment's notice, equipping themselves with golf clubs/fishing rods/skis/hiking boots before their wives have a chance to say, "Hey, where are you going?"

Sex Obsessive/Ice Queen Vortex
The highly-scientific BPYM term for people’s post-baby hardwired response to sex. He (the Sex Obsessive) wants sex, baby or no baby, because men proliferate their genes through sex. She (the Ice Queen) focuses on the baby to the exclusion of all else because women are compelled by nature to nurture their young.